(Chatting with Luke via webcam.)
LUKE [on PC]: No, cos I had to do this essay. Two thousand words on pendulum physics. It was fascinating, but then everyone wanted to go out for a burger, and I thought, why not? So we all went into town, and
SARAH JANE: I hope you finished your work.
LUKE [on PC]: Oh. Sanjay owes me five quid, because I bet him you'd say that.
CLYDE: Right, and who's Sanjay?
LUKE [on PC]: He's just down the hall. He's brilliant. We just clicked straight away. He's smart, he's cool, he keeps making me laugh. I think he's the best mate I've ever had all my life. Whoa, your face. That is brilliant.
CLYDE: What? I
RANI: That is such a classic.
CLYDE: Right, forget next week, swot boy. You're on your own.
(Mister Smith activates himself.)
MR SMITH: Emergency broadcast. UNIT armed forces are converging on this house, Sarah Jane, right now.

[Outside Sarah Jane's home]

(Land Rovers drive up onto the pavement and fully armed Red Berets get out. Their leader is a petite woman)
SARAH JANE: Stop right there. I'm not having soldiers on my property.
HARESH: Everything okay?
SARAH JANE: Yes, fine. They're just leaving.
KARIM: Miss Smith, my name is Colonel Tia Karim, representing the Unified Intelligence Task Force. If I could have a word in private?
SARAH JANE: No, no, no. You're not getting any closer. Just tell me, what do you want?
KARIM: I'm sorry, but it's my solemn duty to inform you that your friend, the Doctor, is dead.
CLYDE: Don't be stupid.
RANI: He can't be.
KARIM: Last Sunday at 1700 hours, the body of a Time Lord was returned to the Earth. UNIT scientists have checked the DNA results, and it's definitely him. I'm sorry, Miss Smith, for your loss. Sorry for the whole wide world, because he's gone. The Doctor's gone. He's dead.

[Attic]

KARIM: The Doctor was found ten thousand light years away by a race called the Shansheeth. They sent us this. It's called an epitaph stone. It's a recording device, the equivalent to a death notice. The Shansheeth are what you might call intergalactic undertakers.
SARAH JANE: Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. There's no such thing.
SMITH: Sarah Jane, I can confirm the Shansheeth are known throughout the universe as the carers of the dead. It is said they trawl the battlefields of outer space, looking for heroes to bring home.
SARAH JANE: Yeah? Well, that's quite enough from you, thanks. Just shut up, and play this thing.
(A hologram of a giant vulture is projected in the middle of the room.)
HOLO-SHANSHEETH: I bring condolences from the Claw Shansheeth of the 15th Funeral Fleet upon this terrible day.
SARAH JANE: Well, as if you'd trust that thing? Just look at him.
RANI: Hey, that's not fair. Since when did we judge by appearances?
SARAH JANE: Since this lot started lying.
RANI: Okay. Look, I hope this is all a big mistake, I really do. For the Doctor's sake we've got to find the facts, which means we stop and we listen.
SARAH JANE: Yeah.
RANI: Thanks. Mister Smith?
HOLO-SHANSHEETH: The Shansheeth did journey to the wastelands of the Crimson Heart, whereupon we found the body of the last Time Lord. Witnesses say that he perished saving the lives of five hundred children from the Scarlet Monstrosity.
CLYDE: Sounds like him.
HOLO-SHANSHEETH: The Doctor's home world is long since lost, but legends talk of his love for the Earth. Therefore, the Shansheeth will return the Doctor to the human race. Oh, weep for him, peoples of the Earth. Mourn his loss, for the universe feels darker tonight.
RANI: So, what do you think?
KARIM: UNIT will take charge of the funeral in conjunction with the Shansheeth. We'll be using UNIT Base Five, situated inside Mount Snowdon. We can arrange transport and accommodation for all of you.
SARAH JANE: Thank you.
KARIM: Then you'll come?
SARAH JANE: Oh, yes. Nothing's going to make me miss this. I'll be there.

[Chandra home]

HARESH: What was all that about, with the soldiers and stuff? She's weird, Sarah Jane, there's always something happening over
(Rani hugs her father.)
HARESH: Hey, what's that for?
RANI: Don't you ever go anywhere, okay?
HARESH: Not even to the shops?
RANI: No. Not anywhere. Promise?
HARESH: I promise.

[Attic]

SARAH JANE: I always thought if ever the Doctor dies, I'll know. Somehow I'll just feel it. Wherever he is, if he's far away on some distant star or lost in the depths of the dark ages, I'll know. But I didn't. I didn't feel a thing.
LUKE [on PC]: I know, mum, but it doesn't actually mean anything.
SARAH JANE: No, maybe it does, though. Cos I don't think he's dead. He can't be. I'm going to go to that funeral, Luke, but only to find out what's going on. Because I think the Doctor's still alive.

[Bannerman Road]

CLYDE: Luke says Sarah Jane's gone mad.
HARESH: Don't be so rude. He wouldn't say mad about his own mother.
CLYDE: No. He said, nutty, fruity, loop the loop, tonto, barmy, bonkers. Be fair, though, sir, he's worried.
HARESH: It's like your mum. Remember when Grandad died?
RANI: She washed everything. Curtains, furniture, me. She even washed the walls. Who washes walls? It went on for days, and then she just started crying.
HARESH: It takes time, because when someone dies it's so massive, it's like you can't fit it all inside your head. That's what Sarah Jane's doing. She's denying it.
CLYDE: So, what do we do?
HARESH: Wait. That's all you can do. Friends just wait.
(A UNIT limousine arrives as Sarah Jane comes out of her driveway.)
SARAH JANE: Bang on time. Don't worry, Haresh, I'll look after them.
HARESH: Sorry to hear about your bad news.
SARAH JANE: There's no need. I'm fine.
CLYDE: Keep the school running without me, sir. While I head off in my nice, big, posh motor.
(Clyde gets a zap of blue energy.)
CLYDE: Ow. Did you see that?
HARESH: Static electricity. If you paid more attention in class
SARAH JANE: Come on, you, get in.

[Unit Base Five tunnel entrance]

(Imagine a version of Cheyenne Mountain relocated to Wales, but with external radar antennae.)
CLYDE: That is what I call a base.

[Base garage]

TANNOY: Silo fifteen now entering decontamination. Staff to holding position. Repeat. All staff to holding position.
(They are met by Colonel Karim.)

[Unit Base Five]

(Who leads them through the corridors.)
KARIM: We've allocated bedrooms. The funeral will take place at 0900 hours tomorrow, so that gives you time to acclimatise. The doors to the funeral wing will be sealed at 2100 hours. This is still a working military base, so you'll only have access to the specified areas.
SARAH JANE: That's nice. Bring us all this way to tell us we're not trusted.
RANI: So who else is coming?
KARIM: Well, it's all been a bit of a rush. The Brigadier's stranded in Peru, and Miss Shaw can't make it back from Moonbase until Sunday.
CLYDE: You've got a Moonbase? Oh man, I am running out of reactions.
RANI: Wait. You've got Graske? What are you doing with Graske?
SARAH JANE: I knew it. I said there was something going on.
KARIM: Sorry, what's the problem?
CLYDE: We've met Graske before, and believe me, they're trouble.
KARIM: Oh, they're not Graske. They're Groske.
GROSKE: Groske very different. Groske are blue. Hate Graske. Graske make me stamp my feet.
KARIM: The Groske were stranded on Earth in 2006. We took them in, and they've been earning their keep as workmen.
GROSE: Groske build rocket for funeral. Come and see. Come and see.

[Silo]

KARIM: Rocket X-15 will take the Doctor's body into space, sealed inside a lead-lined coffin. Then he'll be set free. In death as in life.
SARAH JANE: Very poetic.
RANI: I think it's beautiful. Just what he deserves.
SARAH JANE: What about the Tardis?
KARIM: There was no sign of it. The body was found all alone.
CLYDE: Blimey, though. Not so bad way to go. That's a real, proper rocket.
GROSKE: Boy smells.
CLYDE: Thanks a bunch. You short little titch.
RANI: Clyde, of all the things for you to laugh at, height?
GROSKE: Yeah, you smelly bad smell boy.
CLYDE: You blue, bluey blueness.
KARIM: Anyway, this area's about to be sealed off as part of the curfew. I can take you to your bedrooms. Then the Shansheeth are holding a gathering of remembrance.
CLYDE: Just watch it, you.
GROSKE: But you see?
(Energy playing in Clyde's palm.)
GROSKE: So bright. You smell of time.
CLYDE: What do you mean?
GROSKE: He's coming.

[Chapel]

(Three space vultures are there, with different coloured jewels in their foreheads, and some humans in black. The coffin is in front of the altar.)
SHANSHEETH 2: I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for your loss. The Claw Shansheeth invites you to spend tonight reflecting in the memories of a loved one lost.
CLYDE: So, who are all these people?
KARIM: Old soldiers. It's not easy to find friends of the Doctor. He'd come and go without a trace.
RANI: Think of all the lives he touched. The whole planet should be in mourning, but no one knows.
SARAH JANE: Can I see him?
KARIM: I don't think you'd want to.
SARAH JANE: That sounds to me like you're hiding something.
KARIM: Sarah Jane, he, he was hurt.
RANI: Hey. Hey, come on, let's go and sit down.
(The three sit together.)
SARAH JANE: I don't even know what he looks like.
KARIM: I'm sorry?
SARAH JANE: I think he regenerated. The last time I saw him, he didn't say a word. He just looked at me, as though. That body could have a different face, and I wouldn't even know if it was him.
(Karim leaves.)
SHANSHEETH: Honoured guests steeped in grief and misery, this is the cradle of the lost chord. Its bittersweet melody
SARAH JANE: If you don't mind, I just need to gather my thoughts on my own.
RANI: Yeah, sure.
(Clyde and Rani move to the other side of the aisle as the Shansheeth starts to play a harp.)
SHANSHEETH: Close your eyes. Remember.
(They recall the events of Sarah Jane's wedding with the Tenth Doctor, and Clyde realises what the energy is. Sarah Jane remembers the Fourth and Third Doctors, who she travelled with. They are brought back to the here and now by breaking glass. A blonde woman has entered with a young man, and dropped a vase of lilies. We classic fans recognise her immediately.)
JO: Oh, sorry, just ignore me. I brought flowers, which was silly, really. I mean, there's no need, is there? Well, you know, I saw these lilies, and I thought they were appropriate. Oh, and the vase was so beautiful. It was hand-blown by Asian Argentines. I don't suppose it was actually hand-blown, because, glass would get really, really hot.
SHANSHEETH 2: I'm so sorry for your loss.
JO: Thank you. Aren't you lovely?
SHANSHEETH 3: I'm so sorry for your loss.
Jo: I know, it's terrible, isn't it? You are so gorgeous. I wish I had my glasses. You're like a vulture. A great big alien vulture. Babe, aren't they wonderful? No, no, no. Don't be afraid. It's just like I taught you. You know, I've missed all this. Listen, babe, can you do something with those for me? There's a good boy. Thanks.
(She gives him the lilies and he goes over to Rani and Clyde.)
Jo: I'm sorry. I'm making an awful lot of noise, aren't I? Although there is this tribe called the Nambikwara. You know, from the Mato Grosso. I lived there for about six months in 83. When there's a funeral, they sing all night. I mean, they sound like birds. Honestly, it is the most astonishing sound I've ever heard. Sorry, do I know you?
(Sarah Jane is laughing.)
SARAH JANE: We've never actually met, but it's Jo Grant, isn't it?
JO; Wow! It's a long time since I've been called that. Actually it's Jo Jones since I got married.
SARAH JANE: I arrived just after you left. You'd gone to live on the Amazon.
JO: They told me about you. You must be Sarah Jane Smith. Oh, darling. After all this time. And look at you. You're so beautiful.
SANTIAGO: Sorry. That's my gran. You'll get used to her.
RANI: She looks fantastic. I'm Rani.
CLYDE: And I'm Clyde, mate. You all right?
SANTIAGO: Yeah. My name's Santiago.
RANI: Wow. Good name.
SANTIAGO: It's where I was born, in a caravan at the foothills of the Andes.
CLYDE: They should've called you Andy.
SHANSHEETH: With respect, the cradle will continue.
RANI: I think he's telling us to behave. It's like being at a school assembly.
SANTIAGO: I've never been to school.
CLYDE: What? How come?
SANTIAGO: We're always travelling the world.
RANI: Oh, are you rich?
SANTIAGO: No, just the opposite. But Mum and Dad, they got it from Gran. She's spent her life going from country to country.
CLYDE: Doing what?
SANTIAGO: Protesting. Like that G8 summit, she chained herself to the railings. And that climate change conference? Dad got arrested. Twice. Mum's in Japan now, trying to stop whaling ships.
CLYDE: Wow. Serious life.
SANTIAGO: Yeah. Just to get here today, we were on the southern plateau of the Tierra del Fuego, so we had to hike to Buenos Aires, get a boat to Las Malvinas, and a cargo plane across the Atlantic. Where are you guys from?
RANI + CLYDE: Ealing.
SARAH JANE: Oh, they used to tell so many stories about you at UNIT.
JO: Those soldier boys. Ooo, happy days.
SARAH JANE: So, you're still married?
JO: Oh, yes. He's picketing an oil rig in the Ascension Islands at the moment. And I've got seven children.
SARAH JANE: Seven.
JO: And Santiago is one of twelve grandchildren. Would you believe number thirteen on its way? How about you, sweetie?
SARAH JANE: Oh, I've got a son. He's called Luke, he's just gone to university. No, no dad on the picture.
JO: Oh, playing the field. Good on you, girl.
SARAH JANE: Not exactly, but. No, it's funny, all of this today, because it got me thinking. Because the Doctor, he showed me such a remarkable life, and when he went, it just took me a long while to get over it.
JO: Me, too. You know, sometimes I think I've never stopped running.
SARAH JANE: Then he came back, and I realised the life I wanted was right under my nose all that time.
JO: Who? Who came back? The Doctor? Recently?
SARAH JANE: About four years ago.
JO: I never saw him again.
SARAH JANE: It was just a coincidence. The first time, we were both investigating this case.
JO: The first time? You mean it was more than once? 
SARAH JANE: Yeah.
JO: Oh, he must have really liked you. You know, it's funny, but I have this notion that if the Doctor died one day, I mean, even if he was as far away as Metebelis Three, that, that I'd feel it, you know, in my heart.
SARAH JANE: That's exactly what I thought, but I didn't feel a thing.
JO: Nor me. Not a peep.
SARAH JANE: Do you think the same as me?
JO: What? Because I think
SARAH + JO: He's still alive.

[Dormitory]

(Bunk beds.)
SARAH JANE: Right. We need to make a list, because we need to work out who'd fake the Doctor's death, and why.
JO: Ah. And these can help us to think. (candles) They're scented with jatamansi oil. It's a herb from the banks of the Ganges. It helps to focus the mind.
RANI: We'll just go and get some tea.
JO: No, no, no, just hot water for me, please, sweetheart. I've got some powdered lapacho. You know, the Doctor took me to this planet once, called Peladon, and the smell of lapacho, well, it reminds me of the Royal Palace.
SARAH JANE: I went to Peladon.
JO: You never did.
SARAH JANE: With the great beast Aggedor?
JO: Same planet.
CLYDE Okay, laters.
TANNOY: Funeral wing now closing. Repeat, funeral wing now closing.

[Corridor]

RANI: It's tragic. He's dead, but they just can't face it.
SANTIAGO: I never met the Doctor. I always wanted to, but, too late.
CLYDE: I wish he was here right now.
RANI: Yeah, me too.
CLYDE: No, I really wish he was here right now, because then he could explain this.
RANI: It's happening again.
CLYDE: But I can't say anything, can I? Not inside UNIT. They'd lock me up and dissect me.
SANTIAGO: Hold on. What do you mean, it's happening again?
CLYDE: The last time we met the Doctor, it was at Sarah Jane's wedding, and we got stuck in this time loop thing. And the Tardis, the Doctor's time machine, it was phasing in and out of reality. I touched it, and got zapped with this stuff. Artron energy, the Doctor said. It was part of the Tardis.
SANTIAGO: Whoa. And you thought my life was good?
GROSKE: Smelly getting closer.
CLYDE: hat do you know about this stuff?
GROSKE: Closer and closer.
CLYDE: Oi, come back here, blue boy.
(They give chase. The Groske dives into a ventilation shaft.)
CLYDE: He's like a mouse in the skirting board. You coming?
RANI: Honestly, it'll be fine. We do this kind of thing all the time.
SANTIAGO: My gran once handcuffed herself to Robert Mugabe. I'm loving it.

[Shaft]

CLYDE: Oi, Groske. Where are you?
RANI: Clyde, keep it down. This is a top secret military base and they might shoot us dead. Oh, and I kind of promised my dad I'd be in bed by half ten.

[Chapel]

SHANSHEETH: Brothers of the wing. I have filleted the cradle to find the most powerful memories.
SHANSHEETH 2: With what results?
SHANSHEETH: The women. The two wise women of the tribe. They remember the late Doctor most strongly of all. The cradle sings. Surround them with song. Tempt them with days long past. The memories must grow if we are to succeed.

[Dormitory]

(The harp music flows through the ventilation system.)
SARAH JANE: There's that music again.
JO: Reminds me, the Doctor took me to this planet once called Karfel. And they had a leisure garden. And the plants could sing.
SARAH JANE: He took me to Italy, once. San Martino, 1492. I remember this magnificent garden. It smelled of oranges, vanilla.

[Chapel]

SHANSHEETH 2: Deeper. The sleep of memories.

[Dormitory]

JO: Drashigs, Axons, Ogrons, the Daleks.
SARAH JANE: Cybermen, Zygons
JO: Azal.

[Chapel]

SHANSHEETH: The trap has worked. Such excellent and sorrowful memories.

[Shaft]

SANTIAGO: What have we stopped for?
CLYDE: Hush a minute.
RANI: Clyde, I'm staring at your bum.
CLYDE: No, seriously, shush.

[Chapel]

(Clyde is looking through the ventilation grill into the Chapel.)
SHANSHEETH: The women are named Smith, Sarah Jane, and Jones, Josephine. We must drain their minds.
SHANSHEETH 2: What of their bodies?
SHANSHEETH: They will die. Fortunately, there are excellent undertakers at hand.
CLYDE: Guys, back up. We have to get out of here.
(Artron energy plays over his hand.)
CLYDE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(The Shansheeth see the light.)
CLYDE: Back up, back up, back up.
SHANSHEETH: We are witnessed.

[Shaft]

SANTIAGO: There's no room to turn round.
RANI: Go backwards. Shuffle.
(The Shansheeth look into the shaft.)
CLYDE: Faster. Shuffle for your life.

[Chapel]

SHANSHEETH: Fly fast, my brothers. Stop them. Stop the children.

[Dormitory]

(Sarah Jane wakes suddenly.)
SARAH JANE: Jo? Jo, wake up.
JO: What?

[Corridor]

SARAH JANE: Rani? Clyde?
JO: Where is everyone?
SARAH JANE: I think there's something wrong.
JO: Wrong? As in you mean just like the old days sort of wrong?
SARAH JANE: Exactly like the old days.
JO: Groovy.
SARAH JANE: Yes.
(Further along, Santiago, Rani and Clyde get out of the shaft.)
CLYDE: We've got to get out of here, okay?
SARAH JANE: There you are.
CLYDE: Sarah Jane, it's the Shansheeth. They're lying through their beaks. They want you and Jo. This whole thing's a trap.
SARAH JANE: I knew it.
JO: Hold on. If they're lying, that means the Doctor's still alive. Yes!
CLYDE: Of course I'm still alive, Jo. I thought that was obvious. Catch up.
JO: I beg your pardon?
SARAH JANE: Clyde, is that you?
CLYDE: Course it's not. It's me. I'm using Clyde as a receiver. I've keyed into his residual artron energy so I can organise a very complicated biological swap across ten thousand light years. Hold on.
(Clyde gets a big dose of artron energy, and it hurts.)
CLYDE: That wasn't me. That wasn't me speaking. I'm getting. That's not my hand, because my hand's not white.
(More energy, and Clyde is completely replaced by a tall thin floppy-fringed lunatic, also known as the Eleventh Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Sorry, Clyde, but this space is taken. Good. So, gosh. That was different. Hello, everyone.
RANI: Who are you? Where's Clyde?
DOCTOR: Come on, Rani, use your brain. Clyde and I swapped places. I'm where he was, he's where I was. Which means, right now, ooo, he's in a lot of trouble.

[Alien planet]

(Somewhere very red.)
CLYDE: Doctor? Doctor!

[Corridor]

RANI: You bring him back, whoever you are.
SARAH JANE: No, no, no. Rani, don't you see? It's you, isn't it? You've done it again.
DOCTOR: Hello, Sarah Jane.
SARAH JANE: Doctor.
RANI: That's the Doctor?
JO: What Doctor? The Doctor? My Doctor?
SARAH JANE: Yeah, well, he can change his face.
JO: I know, but into a baby's?
DOCTOR: Oi. Imagine it from my point of view. Last time I saw you, Jo Grant, you were, what, 21, 22? It's like someone baked you. Everyone. Meanwhile.
(The vultures approach.)
DOCTOR: Ah, yes. The Claw Shansheeth of the 15th Funeral Fleet. I've been looking for you. Have you been telling people I'm dead?
SHANSHEETH: I apologise. The death notice was released a little too soon. Though I can rectify this, immediately.
(The Doctor is transfixed by red energy from the lead Shansheeth's claw.)
SHANSHEETH: I'm so sorry for your loss, Doctor. Rest in peace.